She Had Wept

all will be right

2012-01-02T01:38:00.001-08:00

I once wrote a letter entitled “Goodbye, because I love you.” And I had every intention of it being my last. Yet I was saved many times over by loved ones, and mentors, by rainbows, and crayons, even once by a stranger with a flashlight and happenstance.

The bravery lies not in my courage to stand, but in those that have fought to sustain me. They too have faced rejection and judgment from those that have wounded.

But when God stands before them they shall see in my lesions their hatred and error and know that intolerance is that which they’ll reap.

I know God loves me. I know he loves you.
Most importantly I know he loves those that have hatred for me.

In the end, all will be right.

http://mormonstories.org/?p=2179

Usher In

2011-09-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

The warmth of summer holds fast for at least another day. I marvel at all the change the weather ushers in …and perhaps how loved ones and memories flow through me like the course of seasons.

I long for tender recollections and the unbending relief that words carry. Perchance I will find inspiration in the future grey impending. Until then I am nevertheless contented with the vanishing glow of warmth upon my skin;

Vaguely inviting and persistent

Reminiscent of acquaintances long since preceding.

Ardent Admiration

2011-07-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

I will not be ignored

Busted down or broken

This is what has caused the damages before

Disfigurement marred by your

Friendship’s masquerade

Leaving me a feeling of

Disenchanted empathy

I could have been the very best for you

With loyalty and earnest fierce compassion

But you chose injury and insults

Over precious little me

I trusted in your ardent admiration

Wanting only to return the high esteem

Yet there in, your affections faltered

I guess that means, the jokes on me

And in the end, I am simply disappointed

That my pure heart was made a fool

I surrender to your incensed sedition

By way of life’s essential poetry

Happiness is like Drowing

2011-01-16T20:26:00.001-08:00

I feel this sense of overwhelming happiness burning through my skin:

A remarkable flooding of gratitude-

Where I have been thanking heaven for all the love I have.

Yet in delight, my core bears angst:

Nervousness and apprehension ‘round fate’s malicious plan.

Life is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then again, happiness is much like drowning:

A peaceable surrender against the waves.

Relief and reprieve from the exhaustion of treading water-

The choice of suffocation is the joy I feel by means of

True love and affection.

I love her more than the fight to keep my head above water.

You move me...

2010-09-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't been injured by a lover in ages...
I want to be ripped open
and ravaged
and torn into pieces.

Your body moves me
straight to destruction-
Bound there and bleeding,
lying naked on the floor.

Flaccid feelings- deflated.
Emotions must be wasted on the weary
Nevermore.

7 Years Clean

2010-07-29T01:44:00.001-07:00

I wish I possessed a few more.
Maybe just 2 or 3
There are still parts of my legs
That appear empty.
And without them
I sense nothing.
The farther away
The deeper they reach
With an intensity far from surpassing.

Intoxicated

2010-04-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

Could I ever love you the same
Fractured my heart open this way
Spilling out regret-covered shame, and
It’s no wonder she was our demise
See I see through your rusty disguise
The darkens that lives behind you terrified eyes

And it’s Intoxicating…

Cause love is mundane
Never been here before…
So give me your heroine,
And baby give me cocaine.
Cause I’m addicted
To the bottle you gave.
And I’m addicted
It’s your body I crave.
I need another fix of you.

I taste lighting to blister the pain
Im only solid in speaking your name,
Infatuation bringing me closer to sane, and
Its no wonder my cravings give rise
And I keep on thinking sobriety can’t hide
But I can’t seem to liberate this feeling inside.

And its’ intoxicating...

Cause love is mundane
Never been here before…
So give me your heroine,
And baby give me cocaine.
Cause I’m addicted
To the bottle you gave.
And I’m addicted
It’s your body I crave.
I need another fix of you.

she is me

2010-03-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

It’s been three nights of assorted dreams, four days bursting with reality, and yet even now I can’t shed the feeling of how it felt to weep in her embrace.

I found myself in a theater full of people past- sitting idling by watching a film with no moving picture- just a lighted screen that shown with the reflection of the motionless crowd. The seats were bathed in crimson velvet and all the faces shadowed with uncertainty.

She sat in a chair at the end of a long hallway lighted by several hundred candles. Her face was familiar. It was as if she was me; but she was better. I kneeled by her side and listened as she spoke about life.

“There are two types of people. The type that love one and the type that love many.”

She took my hands into hers as I asked, “what if I falter?”

“We are but predestined to thrive. No matter which choices you make which journey you travel, you will find your way back into my arms.”

She held me there, in the hall, in her embrace. I felt courage so great that it split me open so deep that I wept.

I wept.

To craven to brave

2010-03-12T14:51:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I have said a hundred times before
it must be this mantra that most find obscure:

I am not afraid of dying.
I’m petrified of living.

Such existence generates violence- the truest battle of will.
And mine, its simply to craven to brave.
It’s my heart really- spineless and small, that fears fracture and renders it bare.

I watched her face dance with images from the colored screen.
And I ached with such magnitude that my lungs could hardly hold air.
Would it not be far easier to give up the fight than to suffer the anguish of loss?
I dance an intricate dance round the thought of her betrayal
And my dreams solidify that terror each night
Each moment
I sleep without any reprieve.

I wish not to succeed but draw back
And wave this fair flag
Before fear meets triumphant’s suffocation.

Loaves and Fishes

2010-03-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

I held her for almost half the hour with my arms round her waist and my head buried in her chest. She kept begging to know why. But I just couldn’t let go.

I was afraid of falling.

I have lived in the same sweatshirt for five days straight. Not to say I haven’t showered in that time because in fact, I have curled myself into a tiny soapy mess underneath the liberating downpour begging for forgiveness.

Life can be crippling- cut you off at the knees. I found myself pleading bleeding lying naked on the floor. I felt the moisture on my skin like the branding from sin as I cried out for more.

There has to be something more.

As I waited for answers my bones turned to rust. And I felt rushed as I implored, “Where is my angel, my pillar of fire? Will the heavens open before me and show me the light?” I felt as if I were dying as the cold rained down beside me. And I simply prayed that the loaf of bread I gave fed five thousand more.

1 Dimensional

2010-02-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

Feeling lonely
Bitter
Broken.
Bruised in every corner of my heart.
Wrecked with anguish over our dimension
1 side too little-
1 side too much.

Head to Rest

2010-01-20T03:00:00.000-08:00

At night as i lay my head to rest
There is a drumming in my ribs- a pulsing beat in my neck,
my feet,
in my finger tips.
And i swear I can see my shirt dancing to the rhythm of my heart
Pounding here against my chest.
Dreams come so unevenly-
So vivid and disjointed,
That I find myself counting beats instead of the obligatory sheep.

I feel as if I am vanishing-
Fading in and out of lucid fantasy.
I am exhausted.

Once upon a time, I was

2010-01-12T17:50:00.000-08:00

I am melting
Dissolving
Into tiny piles of flesh and bone
Fingernails and teeth.
Like the acid in my sweat
I liquefied
my putrefied self
Bruising what’s little left

I am the incredible shrinking me.

Glorification of knobby ends
Hungry
Yet self-satisfied
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Lie to me
And tell me that
You think I’m pretty

I am the incredible shrinking me.

I am dying inside
Loosing sleep but gaining
Six feet under ground
Too weak against the need
I bleed
to feel alive
This time
to feel anything at all

I am the incredible shrinking me.

Porphyria’s Lover Redux

2009-11-03T15:06:00.001-08:00

I want to feel your heart beating from the inside out-
Take your life in my hands and feel the pressure mount
Lay my head on your chest, place my hands round your breath
Inhale your poison by taking what’s left.

And when I look into your eyes
In full I know you worship me
Held captive in death’s clutching grip
When in that moment she is mine, mine…

The sweetness of sex running between your thighs
In murder she wrote the heartbeat fails and flat lines
Heart swelling with joy at my prospective endeavor
In death you give yourself to me forever

And when I look into your eyes
In full I know you worship me
Held captive with death’s idle grip
When in that moment she is mine, mine…

moral inventory

2009-11-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

A crimson golden fleece blanketed the cemetery floor, this morning when I woke. It seemed as if the collective leaves gave up the ghost in one swift final breath. This season’s changing of the guards brings humility as I marvel at the bravery of the single clinging leaf.

Oh how I wish for winter all year long; there is something deep within my bones that revels in the grey. My words take moral inventory of the prosperity displaced by which I mean they pour out from the inside of me.

My mind is swarming with thoughts and words and sentences that beat the bleak deeper and deeper onto this page as I stare at the emptiness and bleeding ink streaming down my cheeks.

A wise dear friend of mine so wisely put “I know you taste lightning every now and again...” and so rightly was her truth. I feel the tingle beneath my fingertips as I inhale the bite of winter’s grief.

Sometimes I wonder how one person can change a life so completely.
“You are every word ever written down.” I want to hide you all away- savor every innocent devotion: like a childhood treasure box filled with riches that are only mine to keep.

I am falling with the leaves…

I'll never tell

2009-09-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

I trace
And retrace
The meager letters upon these empty pages.
I can’t seem to navigate the mess of thinking
Teaming in my brain-
Like a kettle on for boil
Screaming out for tea.
My fears will rape creativity
And pillage violent tendencies.
But there’s an urgency
I feel
To rescue sanity,
By way of bloody escapades
And thoughtful lines upon:
My melodies triangulate
And trespass salted seas
Streaming down my cheeks-
Though my eyes: desperate
Stray away from damaging humidity.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m the best magician
The world has ever seen.
I force the vision that you’ll see-
Cause I have promises to keep:
Illusions capture secrets- words that I will never tell.
And all of this reveals the music inside me.
By way the weight upon my chest
Its simple-I can’t breathe.
With fingers wrapped around my throat
The darkness has a hold on me.

Kiss Kill Interview on The Thought Vox

2009-08-09T18:17:00.001-07:00

http://www.thethoughtvox.com/?p=1202

what are clouds?

2009-06-30T11:55:00.001-07:00

...but fallen tears of the earth's inhabitants-

Risen up, creating a cotton barrier between us and heaven.

She Had Wept

2009-05-06T15:48:00.001-07:00

dangerous

2009-04-08T12:11:00.001-07:00

two key chain pistols
by my side
ones pointed at your heart
ones pointed at mine
cellophane wrappers
replace our lips
and it seems like the wrong time
the wrong time for this

your love can be so dangerous
one shinny bullet
of steel sugared bliss

your love can be so dangerous
one drink of poison
a death candied kiss

your love your love your love your love
your love can be so dangerous

2009-02-26T00:42:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting with the grey of being alone...

Writing little pieces of songs that I've already sung before.

There's something cold about watching the seconds play on my stereo.

The sound of my heart is crawling in the back of my throat...

Do you think its possible to live, in the grey, warm?

She loves me better when I’m gone

2009-01-31T12:31:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write it down with the chapstick on my lips and the softness in the words from her forgotten kiss. My fingers traced her body over poetry the sun expelled; stopping only to retrieve remains in the wisdom she selfishly withheld.

I wanted to write it down with the moisture in my eyes and the mist of whole creation when roaming the open skies. The drone of swift dissension made the thought of your procession waiver in my mind. And I can’t help but wonder why

I keep on burning
I keep on the burning up the shyness…

I wanted to write it down with gallons of gasoline and ignited cedar matches burning the space between what is and what can never be:

I wanted to write it down with wounded knees and open sores like a lighthouse guiding strangers to the welcome of her broken shores: The necessity of beaming takes captive in my unchained heart- where moments turn to hours like eternity spent miles apart.

She loves me better when I’m gone.

minus 1

2008-11-06T13:19:00.001-08:00

I lost my voice last night…
There is a scratching in my throat like something fierce.
As if some tiny creature is clawing for its freedom
From the binding silent cords.

I sometimes think that sickness is my body’s way of pointing out my flaws,
Which makes me wonder where my voice has gone.
I feel like maybe it’s the piece of me that’s missing

headstand

2008-10-01T15:48:00.001-07:00

It is so loud in my mind with the pounding of my thoughts…
There is a constant
Thumping sound against the sides of my skull,
Like an animal rattling in it’s cage.

I sat this morning in the takeaway line waiting to place my order.
As I approached the talk-box,
I reached for the volume knob to turn down the noise…
Only to find that the radio power was off.

It was in fact, my mind,
Shouting out with such a racket
That I needed a mute button to think clearly.

I have always thought that writing helped to alleviate that static
But it seems that lately nothing come to aid.

Last night I even tried standing on my head-
Hoping that my thoughts would just drain out my ears
And seep into the dirt.
But it seems that lately nothing comes to aid.

2008-09-22T13:10:00.001-07:00

There are bodies hanging from a hook
Their heads are gone
Their clothes are off
Their hearts are made of paper
In every second and in every hour
Poverty steals a child's power
Gunshot menace refuge
from Man's need to build the highest tower

Oh God if youre out there
Why are people killing people
Why are children scared and starving
Oh God is youre out there
Send your force of armed defenses
So angels bare this nightmare

We are all the same
we all love the same
cause we are human
We all need the same
we all bleed the same
cause we are human

Are we living or are we dying
Hell is only feet away
As fathers rape their children
aids dissolves their soul- such suffering
While dirty needles paint the floor
And mother's feed their need for more

Oh God if youre out there

There are bodies hanging from a hook
their mouths are shut
their hands are tied
their tears are made of paper
I am crying for children dying
their eyes so full of hopes and dreams
the weight of sorrow suffocates
my need to have more sympathy

Oh God if youre out there
Why are people killing people
Why are children scared and starving
Oh God is youre out there
Send your force of armed defenses
So angels bare this nightmare

We are all the same
we all love the same
cause we are human
We all need the same
we all bleed the same
cause we are human

5 years

2008-07-23T21:38:00.000-07:00

She fingers the scars
on her legs
as she try's to erase
what the world gave away
and the pain
that resides deep inside
kills away
all the love
that was saved
by the need to succeed-
so the pride of her father and mother
can impart
what she needs
to believe
in the voice
that reminds her
she’s starving for thinness
which suffers forgiveness
for the soul
passed away
years ago
from the murder
of childhood
innocence
counting on His grace
to save
what was left of her
virtue but
disgrace from her blade
cut valleys on her legs
and today
she traces those
memories
tenderly
honoring
her strength
from mending the heartache
that this little girl
survived…

This Kiss

2008-04-30T15:52:00.001-07:00

My teeth, my lips, my gums
Ache from the pressure I've put on them.
I've been biting my time…
But this embrace seems clumsy in your mouth.
I've missed the way you taste,
The way your hands feel upon my face.
Oh how can falsity build favor?

I watched you as you knelt before me
Cried before me
Pleaded with me…
"Baby don't leave- don't leave me this way."

But your breath is filled with lies
And the tears streaming down your cheeks
Saturate the fears I carry deep inside.
Darling, I've promised my soul to yours
I waited all this time and
So I give you mercy with this kiss
My tongue holds your forgiveness.

Epidemic

2007-12-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

What good is a teddy bear upon a shelf,
A pancake without syrup?
Or a life vest without air?
Last night I was drowning in despair,
And all I could think-
Was how I didn’t have a spoon.

I used to say that life was like a pen without ink…
I could just throw it out and try a new one.
But someone once told me, “it doesn’t work like that.
You must take your shovel and pale
And fill it with all the things that life has to offer.”

I feel like a liar.
The greatest liar the world has ever seen.
I choke back my tears almost every night.
I hold them in until I can breathe again---
Until the burning behind my eyes subsides---
Until I can swallow down the guilt inside---

Rape, Aids, Poverty, Hatred, War, Hunger, Pollution, Depression
Overpopulation, Extinction, Obesity, Illiteracy, Discrimination…
The World is Sadness…
And there is nothing I can do to end this epidemic
But offer up my simple pale and shovel…

Written in your Skin

2005-10-02T01:21:00.000-07:00

Tell me you love me, cause
Your silence is my dream catcher
Your touch is my passion-
Rising out of fear

And I am melding into love, for
It is written in your skin That we are forever

I can see again

2005-09-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

I can see again she whispered
Above the blaring twilight bouncing
Off her naked chest.

Hearing her heart beating to the rhythm of her pleasure,
A tear stole time
Away from me.

Memories of her velvet touch washed
Away the fear of never feeling…
Love…
Should I dare to whisper?
So this is how it was meant to feel.

Mes Larmes

2005-07-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

Mes Larmes

Le peine du monde dans la paume de ma main
Se repos dans la paix et
Attend sa liberte

La pluie sure sur mon visage emporte toutes les peurs
Que je ressens dans mon coeur

Mon amour pour vous est la peine
Que je send au fond de mon ame
Et quand je pense au temps que
nous avons partagé

Je pleure les larmes d' enfant seul

She Had Wept

2005-05-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Your whole life can change in a single moment-because life is comprised of a series of choices and actions that make up these moments. And in life, the only thing that remains constant, is the idea that love is the driving force that encourages the soul to move forward…to seek out the light amidst the darkness…to strive for things greater than despair. This play is a plea…one that is begging you to be aware of others…to love them because they are human…because you are human…because love will heal all wounds…and love is the one thing that many find themselves without.